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This is a curiosity : some of my own creative writing. This was written years back, for a couple of Year 9 kids who I'd really enjoyed teaching, who were leaving our school and were very uncertain about the whole business of starting up someplace else. They will be in their early twenties now, that uncertain future by now a distant past. Reading it for the first time in almost a decade, it reads like a message from my younger self about a wholly different set of uncertainties and  transitions, which seems somehow fitting. It's really teachers, not those stock market/banking chaps, who deal in the futures market.

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For Alejandra and Paula

Two blank pieces of paper lay flat on top of the brown wooden table. She knew the place was hers; it had her name typed on a card in clean, sensible, emotionless black letters. Although rows and rows of identical tables stretched out as far as the eye could see, perhaps to infinity, in the high-roofed hall, this one was hers. So she pulled the chair back, and sat down.

“Ah…good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Er…are we all in the right place ? Good, good. My name’s Mr. Peters, and I’ll be invigilating this morning.” The speaker was an apologetic, middle-aged looking man with the air of a teacher who couldn’t find his way back to the staff room. Only a faint yellow light hanging around his greying hair suggested anything different. “Well, you have forty-five minutes to complete the exam. Your time starts…NOW !”

She turned over the exam paper. There was only one question, in the same clean, sensible, emotionless black print as the namecard :

Why do you think you deserve to enter the Kingdom of Heaven ? Justify your answer.

Crap. She’d been hoping for something easier.

Oh well. Here goes. She scratched her nose, and started to write : I’m really clever. And good at Drama. And I was really good with the younger kids in the Drama Club at my last school.  Maybe they won’t have a Drama Club here, she thought. And everyone will be really clever. Maybe I’ll be the youngest kid. That won’t do. So she crossed it out.

I’ve always been kind . And helpful, , she wrote. And I’ve got lots of positive energy. I’ve always got a smile for everybody. Big deal, she thought. Anyone can be kind and helpful. And I bet all these kids are smiling all the time.

She scratched her head, and looked around her. Everyone else had their heads down, writing furiously, filling the paper with line after line after line.

She didn’t recognise anybody. Nobody from her other school. Suddenly, she felt very alone.

She looked again at the blank page, and scratched out what she’d just written.Then she wrote, slowly and deliberately : But Idon’t want to go. I want to go back to my old school. I want to stay there.  And then, ashamed, crossed it out.

She started doodling in the margin. Suddenly, she couldn’t think of a single thing to write. All these other children, all the ones she didn’t know, worked furiously away. They must be cleverer, more interesting, know so much more than her if they had so much to write. Everything she’d ever done, everything she’d ever been, seemed so small when she looked across at these industrious strangers.

This wasn’t looking good. She looked over to the next table. The girl there had just crossed the last perfect T, put the last perfect full stop, placed her pen carefully down on the table, and was beaming with satisfaction. The page was immaculate.

Her own page, needless to say, was a messy scribble, crossed out again and again. She chewed on her pen, trying to find a single decent thing to write. Ink dribbled down her chin.

And then a clock somewhere was striking 12… and St. Peter was raising his hand…and saying “TIME UP ! Please be finishing off the sentence you are writing, and put your pens down.”

With a last, desperate surge of energy she leaned over, grabbed the bottle of Tipp-ex from the girl on the next table, wrenched off the lid, and poured every single last drop onto her page, obliterating in an instant the wretched mess on the paper.

Then she handed the exam in.

                                               *          *          *          *

The Director gestured to her, with a wave of his hand, to sit in the empty chair in front of the desk in the gloomy office. He was a small man, much smaller than she’d imagined, in a dark grey suit, dark hair, neat, clipped moustache, keen brown eyes looking out through small, neat glasses. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet that you had to lean forward to hear what he was saying – and even then you couldn’t be sure. “Original mumble mumble unusual mumble mumble mumble precedents mumble normal procedures…”

“I’m sorry, could you say that again, please ?”

“I’m sorry.” This time the Director spoke up. “ Your exam was very unusual. It’s a long time since I’ve seen one like that. It’s against our normal procedures, of course, and I should warn you that not all the staff agree with the decision. But a decision has been taken. And the decision is to admit you.”

“I’m sorry ?”

“You’ve passed. Don’t look so surprised. I have to read all sorts of rubbish from people trying to get in here. Half of them are self-satisfied idiots, and the other half are liars. But they don’t understand. We’re only a little interested in what our clients have been in the past, or in what they’ve done. We’re  really interested in their future. We’re interested in who they might become. We look at them as you might look at a blank page…”

Was there a hint of a smile underneath the moustache ?

“So…”

“Congratulations !” And the Director reached across the desk, and awkwardly, uncomfortably, shook her by the hand, like a man who’d seen the gesture on TV and was just trying it out, practising it for the first time. “Er…you can go now !”

As she turned back to the plain wooden door, she heard the Director say, “Sorry,no…not that way. This way, please.”

And she realised there was a door in the office she hadn’t seen before, in the opposite wall, with two transparent plastic gates, which opened with a SWISH as she walked towards them, like the doors in an airport.

The path led gently up in front of her. Away in the distance…it was kind of blurred, kind of fuzzy…but she thought she could make out the shapes of people. One of them was wearing a big top hat, and funny sunglasses. Some were doing sports, some were reading books with great interest.  Some of them seemed to be setting off on some kind of journey. Yes, lots of them were smiling. And there was a Drama Club.

She squinted in disbelief. One of the blurred figures was very familiar.

She turned back to the Director, at his desk behind her. “But that’s…”

“ You. Of course it is. From wherever you’re standing, there’s always a part of you that’s there in the past. But there are many, many parts of you that are there in the future, waiting for you further up the road. So you look back; but you also look forward. To the life you’re going to have, and the things you’re going to do, and the people you’re going to meet. You’d…um…be surprised to know what may be in store for you, young Paula…or is it Alejandra ?” And he shuffled the papers on his table around.

For the first time, she noticed his nametag, and smiled : Of course.

She looked wistfully back to the plain wooden door, and sighed. Mr. Janus smiled. “Now you wouldn’t want to stay in Year 9 for the rest of your life, would you ?”

And she smiled back. “No. I wouldn’t want that.”

“On you go.”

She stepped through the door…onwards. And upwards.